yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
