Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
