it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
