I'm eating all of the evidence.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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