she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
