last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
