ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
