Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish life had little blips of pornography
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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