But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
