remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
