Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
