Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
