They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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