I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
