I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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