Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
