are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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