y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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