If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
