i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just want nice things and good sex
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
