my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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