Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
