So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
