Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
