thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
