I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
