Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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