I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
