Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
