Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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