mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
