tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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