I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
