I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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