Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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