yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
