my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
