It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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