Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
50% drunk capacity currently
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
