I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
