cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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