It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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