She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
