Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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