someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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