I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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