maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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