How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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