apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
