There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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