Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he was CRYING into my vagina
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
